Jack Teh Unicron
by Madame Seabush
Summary: oh my god tiemlawds. Crack. Charlie teh Unicron inspired.


**A/N**: Yet another Charlie the Unicorn inspired fic, though I must stress that it is Charlie teh unicron and not Charlie the Unicron, this time around. Even so, I recommend the video, search it. Nao. You know the drill. PS: Casey is a tiemlawd.

* * *

Jack Harkness had been called out to explore the city. A new alien threat had found Cardiff and made its presence known, what surprised him, was its simplistic arsonist methods. He wondered idly what he would be getting himself into…

No sooner had he questioned the villain's identity, two familiar faces came running away from the fire raging through houses and travelling the road. Somewhat puzzlingly, the Master discarded a can of gasoline on his way toward him.

"Jack!" the Doctor called out.

"Ja-ack!" the Master borderline sing song'ed as they stopped in front of him, surprisingly not out of breath at all. Well, that was officially creepy.

"What?" Jack asked hesitantly, tense and ready.

"We gotta go! We're burning this place down!" the Doctor informed him enthusiastically with a manic grin.

Well, now he knew who the alien arsonist threat was. He decided it would probably be best to approach the situation carefully. "Oh… uh, what about all the people in the city?" he asked pensively, assessing their demeanor. It wasn't hard to see that they were high.

The Master smiled devilishly, before informing the Ex-Time Agent. "Well _clearly_ they're going to _burn_ a lot." Gazing off dreamily, he seemed to be mesmerized by the imagery of dying people, screaming and running from the flames as it destroyed everything precious in their lives.

The Doctor looked mildly disapproving, as if the ramifications of such an act had only just occurred to him.

"Aw, well that isn't nice," he chided, pouting slightly, interrupting the Masters haze.

"Man, shut the helllllll up," the Master drawled, reeling back to reclaim his balance after leaning forward too far.

"_You _shut the helllll up," the Doctor mimicked, frowning slightly, eyes glassy and swimming in his altered equilibrium. Perhaps it wasn't such a great idea to consume those hallucinogenic Gallifreyan nuts they had found laying about the TARDIS. They were some nine hundred years past their recommended use date… but if he had learned anything during his time with the Master, it was that he was a bad influence.

"No," the Master snarled indignantly, "you shut the _helllll_ up."

With the knowledge that the two would inevitably trap themselves in an unending loop of blame, Jack intervened. "You can both go and shut the hell up."

"I'm not _talking_ to you, Jack," the Master growled.

Just then, the Doctor wavered, his eyes dilating suddenly as the hallucinogenic overwhelmed his system. "Rainbow!" he called, before a stream of colourful acidic bile was expelled from his stomach.

Jack looked on unsurely.

* * *

"Holy crap we're on a bridge!" the Master announced, as they stood in a line on a wooden bridge which swayed precariously over a substantial drop. How Jack had been persuaded to follow them was beyond him, but there he was.

Suddenly and without warning, the Doctor jumped over the side of the ropes. "Oh my god I'm falling!" he called as he fell (rather eloquently) to his death. "I had so much to live foooooor…" His voice echoed as he fell from the height.

The Master stood unscathed and unworried, a smile on his face.

"That is… tragic." Jack swallowed, actually quite concerned but showing little emotion, settling for a worried glance. Showing any type of concern was widely considered to be a bad idea, especially in the presence of the Master.

"Not as tragic as your _face_," the Master retorted smugly.

And Jack had to admit, that had actually stung a little. "Oh, come on, that was… uncalled for."

"Your _face_ is uncalled for," the Master taunted mischievously, eyes sparkling.

"Hey guys!" a familiar voice said from behind them, and with minimal movement, Jack turned to see the Doctor.

"Where the hell have you been?" the Master suddenly lost the smile and became irritated, eyes narrowing suspiciously, as if he had completely forgotten the events that had taken place only moments before.

"You know, saw a movie, got some coffee," the Doctor responded casually, a gentle smile on his face accompanying an otherwise calm expression.

The Master quickly forgot his rage at the prospect of caffeinated beverages. "I want some coffee," he noted, a manic twang accompanying his tone, eyes wide and eager.

"I could go for some coffee, too…" Jack began cautiously, immediately regretting his statement only after he had spoken.

"Well you can't come you son of a bitch!" the Master growled.

* * *

"Oh look, it's that dinosaur punk," the Master observed, looking at the Liopleurodon which was positioned on the rock, its 2D colour scheme oddly noticeable.

"He owes me twenty bucks!" the Doctor snapped, immediately getting a rise from the Master, whom was keen to protect him and his effects.

Rising to the challenge, he addressed the beast. "Hey! Leo!" the Master sought to grab his attention, standing tall and attempting to remind it of his status in the Universe.

"_Ra ra ra ra_," the dinosaur retorted with an odd type of dinosaur attitude, which was easily picked up on by the Time Lords. However, the translation was garbled.

"What the hell did he say?" the Master spoke quietly to the Doctor, who was looking over at him with much the same confusion.

"Man, I have no idea," he responded in a whisper.

"_Ra ra ra ra_," the Liopleurodon continued, but the words were once again lost on them, both staring as connections were sluggishly made, the hallucinogenic making it impossible to focus completely on the task at hand.

"Where's my _money,_ Leo?" The Doctor questioned impatiently, attempting to appear direct with a megalomaniac at his side.

Unfortunately, Leo simply wasn't having it. "_Ra ra ra ra_…"

Just then, fire swept over the grass and billowed around them. Naturally, they were taken off guard.

"Oh crap, the fire's back" the Master noticed, mildly annoyed at the inconvenience.

"I want my twenty bucks, Leo!" the Doctor yelled, just as the dinosaur caught alight. "Heh… oh no," he began, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "Leo's on fire."

"Stop , droll and ROLL, man!" the Master called, but to no avail.

* * *

"Well, here we are at the Ponocos," the Master gestured around them.

"Well, this is lovely; this is a lovely vacationing spot," Jack smiled, not quite sure if the two were buying his act. He figured they were either too high to pick up on it or just high enough that they were able to pick up on anyone that was looking to ruin their buzz.

"Yeah, yeah, should be _niiiiice_," the Master spoke with bated breath, trying to keep himself from smirking, his eyes following the skies. "Except for the _DRAGON_!" he suddenly yelled out, making Jack flinch.

Silence descended, a dragon did not, and all three of them stood in momentary confusion.

"There was supposed to be a dragon there," the Master addressed Jack's confusion, finding himself just as confused, if not more.

"Oh," Jack feigned understanding.

"Man, we put a deposit down and everything!" the Doctor expressed his annoyance and disappointment.

"Yeah, uh…there's no dragon," Jack filled the quiet, not quite sure what to say to make it seem as if he was contributing to the conversation without it being obvious that he had absolutely no idea what to say in this situation. They had put a deposit on a dragon? What could you say to that?

"Well I can _see_ that, OBVIOUSLY!" the Master yelled at Jack, causing him to step back only slightly.

As if on (an admittedly delayed) cue, agiant, red dragon fell from the sky, the earth beneath them trembling under its weight. Its tongue hung out in obvious indication of its demise.

"Oh my god!" the Doctor screamed, decidedly high pitched.

The Master took no notice, quite desensitized to the Doctor's effeminate demeanor. That, and he was too high to care. "That scared the crap out of me."

"Well, there's the dragon," the Doctor pointed out casually, his gaze still very much transfixed on it. Unmoving, it remained only inches away from them.

"Yep…" Jack responded tentatively, wondering idly how distracted they were, scolding himself for not taking the chance to run when the dragon had fallen and taken them all by surprise.

"Behold the horror!" the Master attempted to get his money's worth. The dragon was dead, the dragon wasn't breathing fire, killing or maiming… but it was still big and red and sort of intimidating, in a dead dragon sort of way.

He threw Jack a look that conveyed as such and Jack immediately reacted with what he hoped was the correct response. "It's pretty scary…" he offered, eyes shifting from the two back to the dragon and a tense quiet returned.

The situation was soon forgotten when the Master's stomach rumbled and his attention was drawn to his need for food… Well, pancakes, specifically. Lots of pancakes. "I'm hungry, let's find an IHOP," he proposed, walking in a general direction.

Whether or not they actually made it to an IHOP remained to be seen.


End file.
